wannabemommies

2008-06-09T19:47:00.000-07:00

My stress has hit an all time high! Today was very very stressful for me. First, I was worried about telling the woman whose house I'm staying at that we are not going to be staying here. I stressed about it for days! I finally decided to leave her a note this morning with my rent check and talk about it with her when I got home from work. What happened was one of many scenarios that played in my head... she said she was going to give me a 30 day notice too. She never got over the fact that my family came and spent the weekend while she was in New York. She said her dog was traumatized. That poor dog is not traumatized because my family was there... he's traumatized because he has 3 legs and he can't stand up! His butt drags on the floor and it's usually covered in poop! So anyways... that was that. I worried about upsetting her for no reason because she was the one who upset me.

Let's see... then Christina calls me yelling about how she hates all of our animals and she can't deal with it. For some reason when I'm not home, everything goes to hell in a hand basket. She won't listen to me so I have to hang up on her. I feel bad for our animals because I'm not there and I haven't been there for 3 months. It's not fair to them and I can't wait to get them up here! Fru (my cockatoo) screamed all day! We just moved his cage into the living room getting ready for the move. I don't think he likes Tyler too much. He's scared to death and unhappy. Poor thing.

We haven't officially gotten the house we applied for. I'm hoping everything will be finalized by tomorrow. I can't stay here much longer. I'm uncomfortable here. I want to be by myself for a little while. All the birds and dogs will come to the new house this coming weekend. I'm so excited! I miss them a lot!

I hope the rest of the week is better than today...

I can't sleep...

2008-05-19T20:43:00.000-07:00

It is almost midnight and for the second night in a row, I am still awake. I hate it! I think my problem is that I'm homesick. I miss my Christina, my dog, my bed, the familiar smells of home... everything. My bed here is very uncomfortable and I'm just plain lonely! I hate hate hate sleeping alone! I told Christina the other day that one of the big reasons I got married was so I wouldn't ever have to sleep alone ever again! Well... I'm alone, but not sleeping. UGHH!

I'm also very sad about selling our first house. I know we can't keep it forever, but I still don't want to let go. We haven't even put it on the market yet. I was thinking about the day that we have to say goodbye to our little house... it's going to be very upsetting. We put so much work into that little place. It was our first home together! That's a big deal! And it's still the cutest house ever! I suppose I'll get over it, but not without shedding a tear or two.

People make me so angry!

2008-05-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

I, by any means, am not the perfect parent nor will I ever be... but I am confounded by the lack of parenting skills I have surrounding me. Why would a couple who tried to get pregnant for a year never EVER spend time with their little baby?! Christina's brother and wife had a baby last fall and they are forever dropping him at grandma's house!! It is so frustrating! Daddy NEVER ever spends time with his son. If mom isn't home, the poor baby gets dropped at grandma's house. This weekend they were moving into a new home. Instead of dealing with the child like a normal family would, they just drop him off. It is 9:30pm on Sunday evening and that poor baby is still at Grandma's house because they can't seem to put away dishes and watch the baby (who can't even walk yet!!). It is exasperating!!! I feel that their kid is a showpiece or a dog that they can just pass around so they don't have to deal with it. Unbelievable!

Sorry for the vent! I'm just frustrated!

Good News!

2008-05-14T18:44:00.000-07:00

My sister told me tonight that she's pregnant! I'm the first person she's told and it's still really early. AF is due tomorrow. She has taken two pee tests and then she got a beta done... it was 35. She's gonna get another one this week to make sure it's doubling. I'm so excited for her! When Christina and I were actively trying to get pregnant, I always thought I would get jealous when my sister got pregnant. I knew it would be coming anyday because she's been making comments that they're trying. I'm not jealous at all... I'm really excited. I have always had a problem with Christina's brother and wife having a baby, but I think it is because I don't really like them. We've had a few arguments about it because she gets mad when I make snide little comments about them. Now I will see where she's coming from. Atleast Christina likes my sister and her husband. So it will be a little bit different. I'm really excited for them! I can't wait! She said her due date will be Jan. 21st. I guess I'll have to visit around then!!! :)

Sorry I've been MIA

2008-05-07T18:30:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty hectic! Let's see... where do I start. I guess I'll start with my job. I've been working for 2 months and I love it! The people are great and I feel appreciated which is a totally new feeling! I really miss Christina and Tyler, though. Right now I'm living in Charlotte and they're in Raleigh. It's about a 3 hour drive. I feel especially bad for Christina because she is having to deal with him all by herself.

Soo... speaking of Tyler... we got the results of all his testing back. Basically he has every learning disability known to man. Well, everything but dyslexia... The poor thing! The biggest thing is RAD- Reactive attachment disorder. If any of you know of it, it's pretty awful. It's very difficult to deal with. Basically the jist of it is he doesn't trust adults because when he was a baby adults didn't give him what he needed, whether it was food, comfort, or attention. So because of that neglect he is constantly trying to sabotage relationships. He is very manipulative and when he thinks he is hurting us (tearing up pictures of himself, throwing away things we've bought him, etc) he is actually hurting himself. But he doesn't see this and it's very frustrating. The rules of raising a child with RAD is completely opposite from a normal child. You can't go with your gut. He wants to be in control and he will do anything in his power to make sure he is. If he succeeds in being in control, he will trust you even less because if you can't control him, then obviously you can't protect him. WEIRD! It's so backwards it makes my head spin.

We have brought him to a neurologist and a psychologist. The neurologist did an MRI and an EEG. The EEG is normal (tests for seizure stuff), but we find out about the MRI next week. The first thing the technician asked after seeing his brain was whether or not his mother was a crack addict. So we're expecting the worst in the brain department.

We have a meeting with the school tomorrow morning to discuss his IEP. He's going to be put in an LD class the whole day. He just cannot keep up with a regular class. His psychologist seems to think that with a lot of hard work, he will catch up to his age by the time he's in middle school. He's in 3rd grade right now... and not passing.

Now let me tell you about the tantrums we're dealing with. I'm not talking about little crying, screaming tantrums. I'm talking about throwing himself on the ground, beating his head on anything, screaming BLOODY murder, throwing anything and everything, slamming doors, more SCREAMING, breaking things, biting himself, crying crying crying. This is what we deal with on a DAILY basis. It is the most amazing thing. And the hardest part about it is that it comes out of no where! We could be playing a game of go fish and I will casually say, " time for a shower!" and it begins and continues for an hour. Absolutely amazing. I guess the good news is that it means he's starting to heal and trust us.

He's actually getting over his mom... he doesn't talk about her much and he's starting to realize it's not our fault, but it's hers. He doesn't want to go back to her and he calls us his family. Our biggest problem with that part is explaining to him that we are lesbians and what that means. We are trying to find some other gay couples with children so he can see it's not that weird. He hates that Christina doesn't look girly, but yet she's not a man. He wants her to choose one or the other. He's always telling her to put on makeup or he'll say, "why can't you just be my dad?" We constantly try to explain these things to him. I feel bad because not only does he have all these problems, but now he has two moms! Poor thing!

We're making it through all of this. He gets out of school in July and then they're moving to Charlotte. Things will be much better when we're together.

New Job

2008-03-10T19:19:00.001-07:00

Today was the first day of my new job. It went really well! I had to take a lot of stupid quizzes and things... safety regulations, driving, etc. But I think I'm going to like it quite a bit. I really like Charlotte too. I like the big city feel. I don't even mind the bad traffic and long commute. It gives me time to think and listen to the radio.

We haven't heard about the baby yet. Christina called the AA sponsor and she's still not back. She said she would call us tomorrow.

Christina had a break through with Tyler. His Psychologist told us not to sugar coat anything that has to do with his mom. She said he'll figure it out eventually and it's better to be truthful. So tonight Christina told him a lot of the truth. And he really opened up to her and told her how his mom used to kick him in the stomach and one time she kicked him in the mouth and knocked out 3 teeth. Poor thing. He said,"moms shouldn't do that, right?" He doesn't even know what a good mom is...pitiful. We love him so much!

I leave tomorrow.

2008-03-08T16:39:00.001-08:00

I'm really nervous and I'm going to miss Christina and Tyler more than anything in the whole world. I hope it turns out for the best. The good thing is that I don't have to take much with me to Charlotte. The room I'm renting is furnished and I just need to take my toiletries and clothing.

We still haven't heard about the baby. We picked out a name for her... if we get her. She's going to be Sofia Bean. I wanted her first name to be Beana, but Christina thinks that's too weird. I really want to name her Anabaena, after a type of cyanobacteria (because it's pretty and cool). But Christina thinks that' wayyyy too weird. :) So we compromised and we both think she looks like a Sofia Bean. :) Hopefully we'll hear about her on Sunday or Monday.

The waiting is killing us!!!

2008-03-06T07:06:00.000-08:00

So we won't hear more about the baby until Sunday or Monday. The woman who is sorting it out is out of town. We're trying really hard not to get our hopes up, but it's so difficult! We have a picture of her and she is soooo pretty! We can't stop looking at it. I'm leaving on Sunday for Charlotte, so if we get her next week I won't be able to meet her until Friday!! UGGHH!! This is driving us bonkers!

I'll post the picture if I can figure it out!

It's been a while... and we might have a baby!!

2008-03-03T18:19:00.000-08:00

Yes, you read that right. We might have a baby! Tyler's mother's AA sponsor knows a woman who had a baby about 3 weeks ago. She doesn't want it because she's addicted to drugs and she's also a prostitute. Luckily, she only smoked crack 3 times while pregnant with her little girl and the baby wasn't addicted when it was born. The sponsor also has an attorney who is a close friend and he said he would do the adoption pro bono! It's really bad timing, but when is it good timing for a baby?! I'm scared ****less, but I know we'll get through it. We think the baby is caucasion and puerto rican. We can't be sure though because the mom doesn't know who the dad is.

In other news, I am moving to Charlotte on Sunday. I'm really nervous about that too. I plan coming home on the weekends. Tyler gets done with school in July and we'll sell our house an move to Charlotte before August. There's a ton of things to be done. I'm a little overwhelmed. Now we might have a baby... Oh GEEZ!

Tyler is doing really well. He has shown so much improvement! He's also growing like a freakin' weed! He's gone up 2 pant sizes. He's also grown and inch and a half in 3 months. He is just thriving! We're getting him evaluated by a psychologist. She's doing IQ testing, emotional testing, academic testing... basically anything she can think of. He also called Christina mom the other day. We couldn't tell if it was on purpose or by accident. The poor thing is so confused about the situation. Hopefully with counselling he'll figure it out.

Well, that's all for now. If you have any advice... let me know. I value everyone's opinion!! :)

What's going on today...

2008-01-31T05:30:00.000-08:00

So I still haven't decided what to do about the job. I had another interview on Monday. They didn't seem too interesting in me. We'll see what happens. I had a phone interview with a really great sounding job. It pays close to double what I was making and the benefits are great. I'm hoping I get a face to face interview with that one. I'm just applying to more jobs and trying to be patient!

Tyler is doing ok. Something has been bothering him since Monday. He has been really REALLY disrespectful and difficult. We try to talk to him and all he says is that it doesn't matter anyways. We're not sure what that means. We have an appointment with a psychologist next week. She's going to do comprehensive testing on him and also get him into therapy! I can't wait! And it's covered by medicaid! Thank god for medicaid... things would be much more difficult especially right now.

What to do about this job?!

2008-01-24T09:48:00.000-08:00

So I have a job offer... a pretty good one... with a sign on bonus. The only problem is that it's 3 hours away. We knew this offer was coming and we've been casually talking about it. Now that it's here I just don't know what to do. Tyler will finish third grade at the beginning of August. The schools in Charlotte are traditional so we would wait to bring him there until he's done with 3rd grade. Fourth grade would start at the end of August. I suppose I would move there and maybe live with a roommate until Tyler is done with school. Christina would stay here. I could come home on the weekends and they could come visit me when Tyler's tracked out. I don't know if I can be by myself in a new city. I know I did it by myself when I was younger. I don't want to leave my family whom I love so much. It seems like a good offer. I'm just scared! Any advice will be greatly appreciated!!

I need to vent!!!

2008-01-19T16:07:00.001-08:00

I am so angry!!!! Christina took Tyler down to see his mom today just for a few hours. We are NEVER letting him spend the night there again! She wanted him for the whole weekend so we had to compromise. Anyways... that's not what I'm mad about. I'm mad because when Christina went to pick him up, him and his brother were soaking wet and bawling! She asked his mom why they were wet and she said that they wanted to play in the snow so she just let them. It was snowing/ raining out and very wet!!! Who would let their kid out in that crap?! Then she asked why they were crying. She said because she told them that she had to call the cops on their dad the other night because he was so drunk and was threatening to hit her. Then she told him that she's leaving him and moving out soon. She didn't spare their feelings at all! Christina is on the way back here right now and she said he's been crying for an hour! It's so ridiculous!!! I am so pissed at her I can't even think straight! Christina is going to call her tomorrow and tell that unless she straightens up and stops telling him crap like that, she will never EVER see him again. Thank god all the paperwork is done!!! I am so tired of her crap!!!! UGGGHH!!

Oh yeah... the paperwork was finally signed by the judge last wednesday. His first day of school was Thursday. He was so nervous he looked like he was going to puke. I just wanted to squeeze him!! His teacher read everything in his file and was really prepared when he came in. The poor guy was so nervous about what to tell people when they asked how old he was. He'll be eleven on valentine's day and he's in 3rd grade. So he's about 2 years older than everyone else. The teacher looked at him and told him he didn't need to tell anyone anything. I think that made him feel better. We warned his teacher that he's really at 1st grade level in most things. After school, she told Christina that he is worse than she thought and she would have to modify his homework quite abit for him to be able to finish it. We have a lot of work to do with him. Hopefully we can get him tested for dyslexia and central auditory processing disorder soon. I'm pretty sure he has one, if not both of those.

Well, I will try to keep everyone updated.

Hello, 2008!

2008-01-06T16:23:00.000-08:00

I am sooo happy 2007 is over! It seemed like a really crappy year. 2008 has GOT to be better! I wish everyone a happy new year!

Tyler's mother came up on Friday to pick him up for the weekend. I'm not sure what got into her, but whatever. While she was up here, we got her to sign the custody paperwork and we got it notarized. She didn't even read it... didn't even look at it! Who does that?! Even Tyler's dad, whom Tyler has only seen once in his life, is taking it to a lawyer to "understand" it better. I don't know why she still surprises me. Atleast it makes it easier for us... although not easier for him.

This weekend is hopefully going to be the last weekend he ever stays there. He now thinks his mom is cool because she lets him stay up all night and play mature rated videogames forever. How do you explain to a child that the reason she does those things is not because she cares about him, but because she doesn't care! He thinks we're mean because he has a bedtime and we make him brush his teeth. UGGHH!!

On the bright side... I had a really great interview last thursday. It was in Charlotte and they were actually trying to impress me instead of the other way around. The other great thing was the woman who runs the lab used to work for my old boss and he fired her too. :) She totally understands where I'm coming from. We had a lot in common. Also, Charlotte is only about 3 hours away from Raleigh. So I could go there and come home on the weekends until we sold our house. I would still rather find a job in Raleigh. We'll see!

Like I said, I hope everyone has a great new year!

Thank you!

2007-12-29T13:57:00.000-08:00

Thank you to everyone who has been leaving me comments! It really helps and I value your input!

We're going to put Tyler in therapy as soon as we get legal custody. Everything is in the works right now. All the paperwork is on the way to his parents to get signed. We're a little nervous because the lawyer had to say that his parents were unfit to raise him and then they have to sign that! We're hoping they won't read it all. Everything in the papers is true, but it's hard to read. I just couldn't see them NOT signing it because then he'll have to move back home. His mom is loving it without him there. She doesn't even call! UGGHH!

Another sad story about Tyler... on Christmas eve, we went to Fayetteville where Tyler's family lives. On the way down there we were telling him how much we would miss him because he wasn't spending the night with us. I mentioned that I probably wouldn't be able to sleep because I had no one to read a story to! He was being brave, as usual, and said he wouldn't miss us and his mom would read him a bedtime story. (yeah right). So the next day when we went to pick him up, he said he didn't even need a bedtime story to fall asleep at his parents house! Later, he got mad at us and mentioned that his mom said she didn't have any books and was too tired anyways to read to him! UGGGHH! It makes me so mad that he tried to get her to read him a story JUST ONE NIGHT... and she wouldn't even do it. Poor thing.

Christmas is over...

2007-12-28T13:31:00.000-08:00

Our's was pretty good. Tyler had a meltdown the day before christmas which didn't make santa claus coming fun at all. He constantly repeated that he doesn't care if santa comes or not because he never brings anything anyways. When he woke up in the morning and saw his bike sitting by the tree he didn't think it could possibly be for him. It was sad.

Christmas at Christina's parents house was weird because we were there and Tyler's parents were there. They let him do anything he wanted to like eat 14 cookies before dinner, not finish his plate, run through the house... etc. Everytime we told him to do something he would basically laugh at us. It was very difficult. He also called his mom mommy and his dad daddy. He never does that! The poor thing... he just wanted them to pay attention to him and they still wouldn't. They could care less. I feel really sorry for him. He was surprisingly good after he spent the night at their house. We expected a crying fit to get him to leave with us. But he was ready.

I can't wait for him to start school. He's very difficult to keep happy. He has to be doing something at all times, which drives me crazy. He won't just sit and read a book or talk to us. There has to be TV, games, PS2, etc. going on. We have a lot of things we need to work on. The biggest thing is his temper tantrums. If we tell him to change his clothes, change his shoes, we're going to target, or basically anything he doesn't want to do... he'll stomp and yell and act like a 3 year old. It's obnoxious! We don't know how to react to it at the moment. After the ordeal is over we try to talk about it, but it doesn't seem like it's getting through. Should we punish him at that moment? I was thinking of stopping him in his tracks and telling him he has a do over or a 2nd try... something like that. It's hard to punish him because he doesn't know any better, but at the same time we have to correct him! I don't know! If anyone knows of any good books about parenting troubled children, let me know!

Sorry for the long post... I need to post more often.

Christmas is coming..

2007-12-21T15:32:00.000-08:00

And everything around here is ok. Tyler has been here for a week. It's the longest we've ever had him! His personality is really coming out. There are certain things he does to get us to show him affection. He'll jump on us when he wants a hug and sticks his tongue out when he missed us. At bedtime, he swears he doesn't want a hug or kiss, then as we're walking out of the room he says, "PSYCHE!". It's very cute! He's a really good kid and we feel so much more complete with him in our house. It's pretty nice!

We are going to Christina's mom and dad's house on Christmas eve and spending the night. Hopefully Tyler won't want to spend the night with his mom. I will worry to death! He feels like ours now and it's sad that I don't want him to stay at his mom's house, but he has to sleep on the floor or couch and it's so stinky over there!

The lawyer has all the papers drawn up and his parents will be served next week. The lawyer said that once we have permanent custody, his parents will have a really hard time getting him back. They will have to totally turn around their life and show proof! If they eventually get their lives cleaned up, I would totally be ok with him going back to them. But until then, I'm happy he's here. I think what is going to happen is his mom and dad will totally forget about him and we'll end up adopting him. It's really sad, but I can see it happening.

We bought his christmas present from Santa yesterday... it's a really cool mongoose bike! He's going to die! :)

Sorry for the rambling! I'm just excited!

What's new...

2007-12-16T12:36:00.000-08:00

Well, I started my period this past monday (dec.10). The good thing about this month is that I would have been ok with either a BFN or a BFP. Obviously a BFP would be fabulous, but the time definately isn't right. (if it's ever right).

Nothing new in the job front. I applied to a million places, but nobody is going to hire anyone right before christmas. Because who gets fired right before christmas?! ME!!! :) I'm over the whole getting fired thing. I've decided that I talk too much and some would say that I gossip a little too much, but I don't think I should have been fired. I'm happy that I'm no longer working there. I am thinking about teaching piano full time. I get paid quite a bit per hour to do that, and if I pick up more hours that would make up for my missed salary. It's just difficult going from a guaranteed salary to an hourly job. Oh well... you do what you gotta do! Also, I won't get much of a pay check in January, which will be tough. Ugghh!! I just don't want to move right now because I don't want to make a hurried, rushed, bad decision.

We have a meeting on Tuesday with the lawyer to get the papers for Tyler. We are borrowing money from Christina's parents... again. My aunt would love to help us, but her husband lost his job and she's afraid she might get laid off. He's with us right now because he got in trouble at school and his mom unenrolled him. He punched a girl because she gets in his face and makes fun of him. I think it's just now starting to sink into his little brain that he's going to stay here. Sometimes at night he cries for his mom and says he wants to go home. The worst part is that he thinks it's because he's been a bad kid. He keeps saying that if only he behaved he could stay with his family. We have to work on that. We're definately getting him counseling! It's going to be really tough for a while but we hope we can make a difference before it's too late!

Sorry for not updating... I've been depressed/ busy/ sleeping/ etc. :)

2007-12-07T05:06:00.001-08:00

Well, on Wednesday I was fired from my job. It came as a shock! I've never been fired before. The reason they gave me was because I spoke to a coworker about the boss's financial involvement in his sister's company. It was just a 'what if' conversation and apparentally she took it to him. He said I was questioning his business ethics and there was no place for me there. Atleast I was already looking for other jobs. The only problem is that I need a job really really soon and most of the jobs I've been looking at are far away. It's very stressful not having a job and now I'm even more stressed because I'm facing a move. I don't know what we're going to do. I'm very worried about money. Right now Christina's business is slow and it won't start picking up until about March or April. UGGGHH! I suppose what doesn't kill me will make me stronger... right?

9DPO

2007-12-05T08:30:00.000-08:00

DYING TO TEST!!!! I was doing great! I wasn't even thinking about it... then BAMMM! OH LORD I WANNA TEST! It doesn't help that someone on the NW board got a BFP on 9DPO. I need to keep my mind off of it! Atleast until Saturday! Geez!

Tyler is getting closer to us!

2007-12-04T03:50:00.001-08:00

Christina spoke with Tyler's dad yesterday. He said he will sign the consent papers. He said he only wants what is best for Tyler. We're so excited!! Now we have to come up with $3000. My aunt said she would give us a loan. I just hate asking for money. I guess it's not like I'm buying a TV or something. It's for a good reason. And we could pay her back fairly quickly.

When Christina was speaking to Tyler's mom on the phone last night she heard his stepdad yelling at him. He said, "You didn't F***in forget your homework! You F***in forgot it on purpose so you wouldn't have to do it!"
That poor thing! NO wonder he hates doing his homework. Who speaks to a child like that?! Atleast we're doing something about it!

7 DPO

2007-12-03T07:13:00.000-08:00

I think I've had a few pregnancy symptoms. Last night I was having some weird twinges that I usually don't get in my abdomen area. The biggest thing is my cervix. From the very first cycle I started tracking, I would check my cervix. After I ovulate, I do the reverse of what most people do. Instead of my cervix dropping and becoming hard and closed, my cervix will stay high, soft, and open until the day I start my period. I specifically remember this because it has given me false hope a few times! :) Yesterday and the day before I checked my cervix. Both days it was still high, hard as a rock, and tightly closed. This is very unusual for me! I really hope it's a sign! :) Wish me luck.

The meeting about Tyler.

2007-12-01T11:20:00.001-08:00

Thursday we met with a lawyer to discuss how we can get custody of Tyler. She said it's definately doable, but it will cost $3000. She wants to try and get sole, legal custody. The only road block we may have is Tyler's dad. We have to get him to sign papers that say it's ok for him to live with us. I think we're going to appeal to him by saying we don't want any child support or any sort of financial anything. He can be totally free of him. Another dilemma is the money. We aren't super rich right now because of TTC, Christmas, and Christina's business is really slow right now. We're basically living off of my income. It's kind of tight. When we were home for Thanksgiving, my aunt said she would loan us the money. I hate asking for money. Especially since her husband just got laid off. She said it wasn't a problem, though. It's a tricky situation.

Tyler is really misbehaving this weekend. We've grounded him from his PSP and PS2 because he almost beat up a girl at school. He just got in trouble with Christina because he threw a fit because she had to go to the grocery store. He honestly acts like a 3 year old sometimes. It's really difficult because he gets no discipline at home, then he comes here and we give him lots of praise when he's good, but we definately discipline him when he's bad. I think he acts up at home because his parents give him NO attention and the only way he can get any attention is if he is bad. It's just a horrible situation. We definately need to get him here for good.

Between a rock and a hard place!

2007-11-28T07:43:00.000-08:00

So, I found out yesterday that my best friend at work is going to be laid off. That was confirmed today. He doesn't know yet... he'll find out on Friday! I really wish I didn't know. But if I tell, I'll get in trouble. I understand why they're doing it, but it's still shitty. He has only worked here for 2 years and he moved here from Oklahoma. They promised that he would have a job. He specifically asked what would happen if business slowed down and they said not to worry about it. Who does this crap?! UGGGH.. People suck.

Feelin' pretty positive, but I'm not going to stew!

2007-11-27T03:43:00.000-08:00

Today is 1DPO! Yay! I hate the two week wait! :) Luckily, I am really busy and I won't have too much time to think about it. I feel really good about our timing. In the book I have, it says that women sometimes wait too long to inseminate. So I tried an early one and a late one. I tested at 7pm sunday night and got a positive OPK after holding my urine for about 6 hours. So we inseminated that night at about 10 and went to bed. We did the same thing last night. I had tons of EWCM, but I still used some preseed.

It's so funny because this month I almost don't want to get pregnant because we have so much going on. (saying that will definately make me pregnant) :) There are some really shady things going on at work and I am really not happy about it. Luckily I have a few job offers on the table and I need to seriously start thinking about them. The difficult thing will be moving, starting a new job, trying to bring tyler, and possibly being pregnant. That's a lot! Oh well, my mom always said I did things the hardest way possible! :)

8 Days LATE!!!!

2007-11-26T04:42:00.000-08:00

No... not my period... but ovulation was 8 days late. Today is the day I ovulate. We did one insem last night and we're going to do another tonight. Hopefully our timing is good. I guess stress just pushed it back 8 DAYS! :)

We have a meeting with a lawyer on wednesday to find out about custody and guardianship. We're hoping that it will be simple and inexpensive... but that's not usually what happens in my life. Things always happen the hardest way possible! :) Oh well.. it makes me stronger I suppose.

I'll write more after wednesday... here comes the TWW!

Tyler Update...

2007-11-16T06:25:00.000-08:00

Well, Tyler's mom called christina today. She wants us to take him! She said that she spoke with him about it and she wanted him to understand that she wasn't trying to get rid of him, but instead, trying to help him and do what's best for him. She thinks he understands that. We're supposed to take him the first week of January. I hope we can get the guardianship stuff done before then! She said she would do anything we need her to do for us to get guardianship! I can't believe we're going to have a ten year old!

2007-11-16T04:05:00.001-08:00

I'm doing pretty good at relaxing...but this part isn't the hard part. I don't mind waiting to ovulate, but I REALLY HATE waiting to test! :) Our spermies got here on wednesday. I feel good about this month! I would love to tell everyone at christmas that we're pregnant! :)
We called a lawyer about Tyler. We have a meeting the wednesday after thanksgiving. I'm hoping this will be easier than it seems. Christina spoke to someone at school and she said we HAVE to have court appointed guardianship. Our next step is to find out what that involves. It's all worth it, though. Whenever it starts to get overwhelming, I just think about how much he really needs us. It helps!
My mom told my dad that Christina and I are coming home for thanksgiving. All he said was that he is not going if we're coming. He acts like a freakin' 10 year old! I told my mom that he needs to suck it up because him being an ass is definately not going to change anything. Why can't he get over it! It's been 3 years since I told them! On the other hand, my mom is doing great! She actually talks to me about my life instead of just sitting there silent. It's closer to normal than ever! Family is so complicated!
I'll post more after we inseminate... it should be in a couple days! :)

A lot going on....

2007-11-12T07:47:00.000-08:00

This is the week! I should be ovulating soon! Our shipment will arrive tomorrow at the earliest and wednesday at the latest. I'm trying to relax this time around. I don't want to obsess too much. I'm not going to worry about what I eat or how much coffee I drink! I'll just let it happen! Teenagers do it all the time! :)

Tyler was with us this weekend. He is getting more comfortable and also more defiant. It's interesting to see how our parrenting roles play out. I will mostly be mean mommy and Christina is turning out to be push-over mommy! :) He has a variety of ways to compensate for what he doesn't get. For instance, whenever there is something he wants and he knows he'll never get it (because his family doesn't buy anything) he automatically claims he doesn't like it. I feel sorry for him because that's his survival tactic. It's sad! We started a reward system this weekend. He made $5 by doing chores and listening. We let him buy a video game with his money. It was exciting for him! He kept saying over and over, I can't believe I earned this! :) very cute...

We haven't talked to his mother again about having him live with us. This weekend, we kind of planted the bug in his ear. He didn't like the idea at first, but we showed him the school he would go to and we played on the play ground for about an hour. After that, he really liked the school!

We're past the first hurdle...

2007-11-09T04:00:00.000-08:00

Christina called Tyler's mom yesterday and she thinks that Tyler staying with us is a great idea! She agrees that he needs a lot of help that she can't give him. She was actually wondering what to do with him because she has two other children and she wants to move into an apartment by herself. She doesn't have the time or money for all three. We're so excited! Some of the things she said were pretty disturbing, though. She said he had seizures when he was a baby and that's why "he's so stupid". She fights with the school all the time because she wants him to be in the mentally disabled classes at school but the school disagrees. THAT'S BECAUSE HE'S NOT MENTALLY DISABLED!!! I think we could help him so much!

Here's the bad new.... We have to get court appointed guardianship to enroll him in school here. I think the only way to do that is to have parental right taken away. I don't necessarily want that to happen. I called an attorney and they said it usually costs $2000-$3000 to transfer guardianship. I really hope we can do it!

Christina feels that this is what she is here on earth to do! She's always said that she wants foster kids. We've already picked out his bed and bought him tons of clothes! We're so excited! Wish us luck on the guardianship part!

Tyler

2007-11-08T04:02:00.000-08:00

Christina and I are in a pickle. I think I've written about this before. She has a cousin who has children all over the place with many different women. The woman he's been with for 9 years had a son before they got together. His name is Tyler. He is not related to Christina. His father lives in Tennessee. For the past two weekends, Tyler has stayed with us. The poor kid is 10, almost 11, and in the 3rd grade! He can barely read and can't do addition or subtraction in his head. We spend all last weekend working on multiplication and reading. He's never had a story read to him in his life. He is a size 10 slim, but his mom dresses him in ratty old 12 huskies!! His shoes are two sizes too big. He's just pitiful!
The first weekend we had him, he talked about blood and gory things all the time. The second weekend, he stopped doing that. I think he realized that we are just going to let him be a kid and he's really enjoying it!
I think we're going to ask his mom if he can come stay with us and go to school here. They live 1 hour away from us. I really think we have the time, money, and love to help him before he ends up in jail! How do you ask a mother if you can keep her child? You can tell she doesn't really care, so maybe it won't be so bad. I'm hoping she'll just let us take him. He's a smart kid, but he has no chance if he stays in that environment!
Let me know if you have any advice!

080F! 080F! 080F!

2007-11-06T03:39:00.000-08:00

That's what Christina and I were chanting yesterday after ordering our swimmers!!! It just sounds good! O eighty F! They should be getting here at least by the 14th of November! I'm really excited! Hopefully this is it! I'm getting a massage on Friday and then again probably on next thursday. I just want to stay relaxed! Wish us luck!

That wasn't so bad....

2007-11-01T03:40:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, we went over to Christina's brother's house and I met baby Ethan for the first time. As soon as I sat down, he brought the baby out and gave him to me. I didn't even have time to think. When I saw that baby, I wasn't jealous any more. He was sooo cute! Now I want a baby REALLY BAD!

SOOOOO.... we've decided to get back on the train and try this month. I don't care if I take another job in another city and I'm pregnant. We'll make it work! Today is CD2. I'm a little worried because last month my cycle was only 29 days long and it's usually 32-33. Hopefully I don't ovulate too early this month. I guess I'll just make sure the swimmers get here a little bit earlier than usual. My technique this month is to be stress free! I'm getting 2 massages and I'm going to sleep a lot! :) Hopefully that will help!

PS... I hate when straight people try to tell me how to get pregnant! Geez! Like I don't know! I hate it when they say, "we had to try for a year!" Oh poor you! You had to have sex every month with the person you love... that must suck! ( sorry, I've been getting a lot of that lately) :)

I hate being jealous!

2007-10-26T04:33:00.004-07:00

Soooo... Christina's brother's wife had her baby last night. It really really bothered me. I'm very jealous about it and I don't know how to get over it! I don't think I can go see that baby! I'm mean jealous, not nice jealous. My friend, Lisa, is pregnant and I'm jealous of her, but it's a nice jealousy. I'm happy for her mostly. It doesn't help that christina's brother is super obnoxious and I can't even stand to be around him. Now he has something that I want and I don't like it! I hope I can get over this soon! It's making me miserable!

Some good news... I have an interview today. It's for a job in Atlanta. I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm mostly nervous about having to move. It's such a big hassle, but when I think about staying here I feel sick. So which is the lesser of two evils? We'll have to sell our house and pack all the animals up. Big big hassle! Oh well. I think our quality of life will be better! :)

By the way... thank you for all the nice comments! They really make my day when I read them. :)

probably on hold again...

2007-10-10T04:23:00.000-07:00

We've decided to think about moving. I dislike my job very much and right now would be a perfect time to relocate. That means no baby. :( It would be very difficult to start a new job in a new city in a new state while being pregnant. So we're going to wait and see what happens when my resume gets out there somewhere. I shouldn't have a hard time finding a job because I've seen plenty of ads for asbestos analysts. We just have to make sure we are careful about where we choose to live. I want to go somewhere that we can afford, but also has a more open and welcoming atmosphere towards gays and lesbians. California is probably out of the question. We're thinking Dallas, TX. I never would've imagined myself saying I want to move to Dallas!! Weird.
So, if anyone knows anything about Dallas, let me know! :)

2007-10-05T04:24:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not writing in such a long time.... things have been quite stressful! We're still getting used to Christina working from home. So far, money has not been an issue, but we haven't hit the slow season yet. We're busy planning our spring vacation with my sister and her husband. We're going to Florida for a week. I'm so excited about that. (Hopefully I'll be pregnant too).

We're planning on trying to conceive this month. I am on CD3. We haven't ordered yet, but we probably will tonight. I hope this is it... I'm too tired of dealing with this.

My best friend at work is having bad issues at home. She has a 7 and 3 year old plus she's 4 months pregnant and her husband decided to leave her. He either moved out last night or tonight. I feel so bad for her because she has no idea why he's leaving! I told her I would help her in any way. It's going to be very difficult for her.

I'm having difficulties at work. I don't like my job.... too bad it pays the bills. I'm going to try not to think about it and concentrate on my photography so I can get out of here. I'm hoping that by 2009 we can afford for me to do photography full time.

So that's what's going on with me. I'll be blogging soon about which donor we choose!

2007-08-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

Well, here comes AF! Cramps and all! I haven't seen the bright red flow yet, but the brown is there. Who knows, maybe I'll be one of those people that thought she was coming but then turned out to be preggers! (Yeah Right!)
There are some positives in my life right now, so I can't be too down about it. My birthday is tomorrow! I'm having a birthday party next saturday. So I'll be able to have a few adult beverages. That should be fun. I have the whole week off of work because we're tearing up the carpet and replacing it with laminate wood flooring. That will take up a lot of my time and energy so I won't really be able to think about not being pregnant. The floors are going to be awesome when they're done! We have done the two spare bedrooms already. Today we're going to start the living/dining room. Once that is finished, we'll only have the master bedroom to do. I'm so excited! It's really fun doing home improvement projects yourself. I couldn't imagine paying someone a crap-ton of money to do it for us! I love saving money! :)

I hate BFN's!

2007-08-25T04:43:00.000-07:00

I got another one this morning! I don't mind them at 8 or 9DPO because that's usually too early to test. But I HATE them at 13 DPO! I don't understand why I've been having all these cramps! It's really confusing. I never get cramps before my period. They always come after. Poor Christina thinks I'm losing it. Every time she sees me on the internet I'm looking at photos of pee sticks! I started crying yesterday because that was the first time I let myself think that I might NOT be pregnant. I've been trying to stay positive because everything little thing helps! Last year when we tried, it wasn't that big of a deal because we were using fresh sperm and it wasn't costing an arm and a leg. This year is totally different! It really sucks to spend that much money and have it not work! UGGHHH!
Well, I know it's not over until AF shows. Maybe she'll show a day early!

Tested again... 11DPO

2007-08-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

And I think I saw a very very pale line. Christina thinks I'm crazy. But I really think I saw it! I went and bought 5 dollar store tests. We have one digital, but I won't use that until I get two lines on the cheapies. So anyways, if it was there, hopefully it will be there tomorrow even brighter.
I did have some weird things happen yesterday. I felt like my period was going to start at any moment! I don't ever feel like that until my period actually starts, so that was really weird. I had little cramps (not as bad as AF cramps) and I just felt like blood was going to come shooting out of me! I also woke up in the middle of the night wanting a pickle. That was weird.
When I think about getting that BFP, I almost start crying. Then I think about it for a bit longer and can't imagine that ever happening to us! It seems like it's so close but yet so far away. I can't wait!

The wait is still not over...

2007-08-21T04:12:00.000-07:00

Today I am 9DPO... I did test this morning, not expecting much and I didn't get much. BFN. But that's ok. It's still definately too early. I don't mind testing a bunch because I can always convince myself it's too early! :)
I've had even more symptoms! That gives me hope. Yesterday I was so bloated I could hardly stand up straight and button my pants. I've also had this light headache for about 3 days. I usually don't get bloated until after I've started my period. So that is definately weird for me. My face broke out this weekend. That usually doesn't happen until right before my period. I've also been constipated which is weird for me too. Hmmmm.... hopefully this is it. I am NOT going to test again until Thursday. If it's a BFN on Thursday then I'll test on Saturday. I'm expecting my period on Monday. So we'll see! :)
Christina started her new job today! They hired her on the spot. She didn't even go to the other interviews. So she is now working at a little coffee shop from 6am-1pm. It's perfect because it's the same hours as me and right down the street from me! So we can carpool! :) Hopefully she'll like it there!

Good news about jobs...

2007-08-17T06:21:00.000-07:00

Things are getting better for us. Slowly but surely the time is passing. I'm having little tiny symptoms that I'm probably making up in my head! :)

Our biggest news is that we started up our own wedding videography business called Bella Bleu Productions. Christina is very excited and I'm excited for her. She's always known she has a special talent that she could turn into something profitable and now she's found it! I'm so proud of her! Hopefully by 2009 I'll be doing photography on my own and we might even add some DJ's. It's very exciting and gives us hope for the future!

Christina also has two job interviews next week. We can't afford for her to work on just videography. So until we can, she has to work a full time job also. It will be hard work, but worth it in the long run.

Unfortunately, if this month doesn't work, we'll have to put the baby-makin on hold for a little while. It's just too much money to be throwing around when we don't even know if she'll have a job next month. Hopefully we won't have to put it on hold for too long. Maybe just a month or two.

Can I test yet?

2007-08-14T17:01:00.000-07:00

I am about to make it through day 2, 2dpo. Oh lord! This is taking so long! I keep thinking I feel something...like there's a little bug in the left side of my uterus! Why am I feeling like that? My left boob had a shooting pain in it this morning. UGGH! I forgot how awful this wait is.
I bought new book today. Maybe that will help me with the wait. Christina said she is not worried because she just knows... whatever. I wish I 'just knew".

And now we wait....

2007-08-13T07:37:00.000-07:00

Well it's done... all $1000 worth of spermies are now doing their job (hopefully). I totally forgot how horrible this tww thing is! BLLLEGGHH! I'm only 1 DPO... can I test yet?!?! Geez louise! Maybe I'll forget about it in a few days and live life like nothing is different. Maybe not...
I'll be testing on my birthday which is August 28th. So I'll either have a really good birthday or pretty crappy birthday. Christina swears this time worked. She said that everything was perfect. Hopefully the egg that was released was a good one! :) I felt really fertile this time (if that matters at all).
Here are the details...
-Tested with smiley face OPK on saturday at 3pm
-First AI with IUI format was Saturday night at 10pm. Cervix was not real open and CM was still a little white. Went directly to sleep afterwards.
-Second AI with ICI format was Sunday at noon. Cervix was REALLY open and lots of clear CM. Used preseed. Took a nap for 2 hours afterwards.
-Third AI with IUI format was Sunday at 10pm. Cervix was still REALLY open but not much CM, so we used preseed again. Christina put the catheter in my cervix about 1/4 inch. Went to sleep right afterwards.

UUGGGHHHHH!

2007-08-10T04:14:00.001-07:00

Christina got laid off yesterday. We kind of knew it was coming. Her boss is a douche bag. Basically what has happened is he has over-extended himself and he can't afford his lifestyle. So instead of downgrading his life, he's going to get rid of his employees. In the long run, this will hurt him. She does so much for him that he doesn't realize. I'm excited that she won't be working for him any longer because I hate him and I have for a long time. It's just really bad timing, though. We're getting ready to try to conceive and we were going to refinance our house soon. It's just crappy. I just hope she can find a job that she will be happy at. I don't want her to go back into the restaurant business. It's way too stressful! I'm pretty sure everything will work out to be better than it was before, but in the meantime, it's just a little stressful!

Spermies + Egg = BABY

2007-08-07T04:03:00.000-07:00

I feel so strange today! I am totally at ease! I feel like nothing is going to get in my way of getting pregnant, so why worry about it! I'm usually very anxious about it. It doesn't even bother me to think about nearly $1000 possibly being lost down the toilet. I am sooo ready for this! Bring it on!

Christina is a little stressed. She said the other night, "what happens if this works?". Well..... WE HAVE A BABY! :) I can't wait to be pregnant! It's going to be so amazing!

I talk to my uterus everyday, and so does Christina. I'm hoping it will help. I'll let you know. :)

WE BOUGHT IT!

2007-07-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

We bought our spermies!!! The donor we picked, 497, was not available. So we searched again and found #554. He sounds wonderful! My favorite thing about him was his answer to the question, what message do you want to pass on to the recipient of your donation? He said, "Conservation, preservation, and reconciliation." I love that!! If we get pregnant from him, that is what I'm going to teach to my child. (I like it so much, I might just teach it to my child even if he isn't the donor!!) ;)
I'm not quite sure when we'll inseminate. It will probably be around the second week of August. I'm so excited I can hardly take it!! I can just feel that this is it!! I've got the timing all pin-pointed and everything! And then we wait....

People suck!

2007-07-18T13:32:00.001-07:00

Lately I have had the worst luck with people. Everyone just sucks! My mom, sister, brother-in-law, and grandparents were supposed to come here for labor day. But now they're not coming because the plane tickets are too expensive. Sometimes I just feel like I'm too tired to worry about my family. I'm constantly thinking about when they're coming to see me or when I need to go see them or if I'm calling them enough or why aren't they calling me. It's so DEPRESSING! I don't think families should be like that! Even when I mentioned to my sister that we're trying to conceive next month, she makes me feel weird. Like I am doing something wrong or bad. I hate that feeling! She's supposed to be the one person in my family who is supportive! But she's definitely not! It's like they don't even care to get to know me or understand what I'm going through. I feel like they've totally squashed my little heart like a bug! I just want them to understand! Is that really too much to ask?!

I am so anxious!!

2007-07-18T04:27:00.000-07:00

We picked our donor last night. He's # 497. We're hoping he's available when we order next week. We saw some pictures of one of his babies. He is pretty cute!

I can't think about anything else! I have no idea how I'll ever be able to concentrate when I'm pregnant! I can't even concentrate right now! All I want to do is shop for baby things. I'm going to overload when I am actually pregnant! Geez louise!

Another thing I've been thinking about is how to tell my family when it finally happens. My mom, sister, brother-in-law, and grandparents are coming down here for labor day. If I get pregnant this first try, I'll probably know by then. I'd really like to tell them face to face. My sister and brother-in-law will be happy, but I don't know if the rest of them will be. It's going to be really hard to tell them. I'll be scared to death of their reaction! It shouldn't be like that, but I know it will be. It will break my heart if they aren't accepting. Oh well. Atleast Christina's parents will be excited!

First blog!

2007-07-17T08:35:00.000-07:00

This month is it!! I can feel it! We're going to be pregnant in a month... i hope. Today is CD 26 and AF should be coming soon. As soon as that happens we're going to order our swimmers! It's the weirdest thing trying to choose what the other half of your child's biological make-up will be. It makes me very sad thinking about what our child would be like if we could make one. He/she would be awesome! I think he/she will be awesome anyways, but you know what I mean.

We had our first appointment at the NC birthing center yesterday. It went much better than I even imagined! We met with Amanda who is a RN and a midwife. She also happens to be a lesbian who had a baby 15 months ago. So she was definately in the know. She sat and talked with us for 45 minutes and answered any questions we had! It was the best experience I've ever had at any sort of health center! I can't wait to have our baby there!